The Year's Dumbest

[Sonic Youth]

The year's dumbest — from those who'd know

By Mark Rahner
Seattle Times staff reporter

As annual lists go, it's nearly as anticipated as Mr. Blackwell's Worst-Dressed List — in that no one looks forward to it. Still, venerable Mad magazine has spewed out its ninth annual review of the "Dumbest People, Events and Things of the Year." And these guys know dumb. On the cover, a sneering Dick Cheney holds a smoking shotgun next to gap-toothed Mad mascot Alfred E. Neuman — clad in safety orange and with a face full of shot.

So they left out a few. For instance, Iran's Holocaust-denying conference. (Not scheduled to perform: Hasidic reggae artist Matisyahu.) And gay-bashing evangelical megachurch leader Ted Haggard, forced to step down after buying meth — from the gay prostitute he frequented. But hey, dumb is subjective, and even "the usual gang of idiots" has to meet early magazine deadlines.

Taking first place: "The Iraq War — Mish-mosh Accomplished." An obvious choice, Mad writes. "The only question remaining is whether or not it proves to be the dumbest thing of the century."

No. 2: "Bode Miller at the Olympics" — depicting the partying skier on the cover of "Sports Inebriated."

No. 3: "The Cheney Hunting Accident."

No. 4: "Richard Hatch Vs. the I.R.S." The tubby naked guy from "Survivor" in the clink for tax evasion.

No. 5: "Zinedine Zidane — A Butthead's Headbutt," featuring the angry French soccer star as a violent jack-in-the-box.

But that's only the tip of Mad's moronic iceberg. The rest:

6. "Ann Coulter — Queen of the Vile."

7. "Mel Gibson — The Passion of the Anti-Semite."

8. "Tainted Spinach."

9. "YouTube — A Streaming Pile of (Expletive)."

10. "Floyd Landis — Peddling Dope."

11. "North Korea Tests the Bomb."

12. "The Muhammad Cartoon Controversy — A Real Laugh Riot."

13. "Barry Bonds, Home Run King — The Sultan of Squat."

14. "Isaac Hayes Quits South Park."

15. "K-Fed Raps."

16. "Congressman Mark Foley — The Louse of Representatives."

17. "Paris Hilton's Vow of Celibacy — Just Say Ho."

18. "John Mark Karr's Extradition — Fake on a Plane."

19. "Star Jones Gets Sacked" (from "The View").

And finally,

20. "Bush's Assault on Civil Liberties — The Kill of Rights," featuring Bush, Cheney and Condi in seafaring drag on a poster for "Pirates of the Constitution, Head Man's Mess."

As Neuman would say, "What, me worry — about habeas corpus?"