Ten Ways to Tell if a Movie Will Suck - with pictures

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Big Magilla
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Post by Big Magilla »

cam wrote:I say LOTR makes the point. I thought all of these films to be pretentious bores, and I watched them only because some I respect on this Board were entranced.

Now I know that is heresy on this Board, but I stand by my opinion--and it is just an opinion so don't go calling me an evil old lout with a heart of stone and no taste.
This type of film, IMHO, appeals to a certain kind of techo-geek who lived through Dragons and Dungeons. I read only the Hobbitt, and that was a long time ago, and enough.
It's all relative. The films are well made and succeed on a technical level whether you are entranced by the epic tale(s) or not.

That said, the early part of the decade when these film were released was a terrible period for films overall. The first one makes my ten best list for 2001 behind Mulholland Drive, Gosford Park and In the Bedroom, none of which are great films. The second makes by ten best list for 2002, a so-so year, behind Chicago, The Hours, About Schmidt and The Pianist. The third makes my list for 2003, a particularly dreary year for films, behind In America and The Station Agent.

I'm not sure they would even make my top ten lists for the last three years which were generally better years for films, to whit:

Ten Best Films of 2006

1) Pan's Labyrinth (Guillermo del Toro)
2) Children of Men (Alfonso Cuaron)
3) The Departed (Martin Scorsese)
4) The Queen (Stephen Frears)
5) The Lives of Others (Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck)
6) Letters From Iwo Jima/Flags of Our Fathers (Clint Eastwood)
7) Little Miss Sunshine (Jonathan Dayton, Valerie Faris)
8) Dreamgirls (Bill Condon)
9) Little Children (Todd Field)
10) Notes on a Scandal (Richard Eyre)

Ten Best Films of 2007

1) There Will Be Blood (Paul Thomas Anderson)
2) No Country for Old Men (Joel Coen, Ethan Coen)
3) Into the Wild (Sean Penn)
4) Away From Her (Sarah Polley)
5) The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Julian Schnabel)
6) Persepolis (Marjane Satrapi, Vincent Paronnaud)
7) Gone Baby Gone (Ben Affleck)
8) Lars and the Real Girl (Craig Gillespie)
9) The Namesake (Mira Nair)
10) Atonement (Joe Wright)

Ten Best Films of 2008

1) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (David Fincher)
2) Slumdog Millionaire (Danny Boyle)
3) Milk (Gus Van Sant)
4) The Reader (Stephen Daldry)
5) Frost/Nixon (Ron Howard)
6) Doubt (John Patrick Shanley)
7) The Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan)
8) The Edge of Heaven (Fatih Akin)
9) The Visitor (Thomas McCarthy)
10) The Wrestler (Darren Aronofsky)
Zahveed
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Post by Zahveed »

Cam, you're such an evil old lout with a heart of stone and no taste.
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cam
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Post by cam »

I say LOTR makes the point. I thought all of these films to be pretentious bores, and I watched them only because some I respect on this Board were entranced.

Now I know that is heresy on this Board, but I stand by my opinion--and it is just an opinion so don't go calling me an evil old lout with a heart of stone and no taste.
This type of film, IMHO, appeals to a certain kind of techo-geek who lived through Dragons and Dungeons. I read only the Hobbitt, and that was a long time ago, and enough.




Edited By cam on 1237315952
Zahveed
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Post by Zahveed »

OscarGuy wrote:He specified "when sequels are filmed back to back". With LOTR, the entire trilogy was filmed simultaneously.
Thanks, OG. I was going to point that out in the original post but I didn't feel it was necessary. I received a similar comment on my blog.
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Post by OscarGuy »

He specified "when sequels are filmed back to back". With LOTR, the entire trilogy was filmed simultaneously.
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Post by Greg »

Fans of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy will disagree with you on number 10.
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Post by Zahveed »

*NOTE: Unfortunately, I lost the pictures when transferring this from my blog along with the captions. If you want to check them out go here.



I believe most people try their best to avoid horrible films, but there are many that can't tell if it's going to be the next Citizen Kane or Gigli. The more prevalent films become, the more we're going to get the latter. With this in mind, I decided to make up a list of ways to tell if a movie will suck so you don't make the mistake of seeing it. I mean, come on guys... Paul Blart: Mall Cop?


10. Were the Sequels Filmed and Released Back to Back?

When you start filming sequels back to back you lose focus on what the hell you accomplished with the original. The last two Matrix films are perfect examples; they took what was sweet from the first film and shoved it down your throat, under the assumption that everyone loves candy and must have it for two hours a piece and six months apart. You get fat if you eat too many sweets.

Pirates of the Caribbean is the most recent example of this. Everyone was suckered by Depp's emo pirate and they loved it, if only for his sake. Trust me, nobody's going to the theater to see Orlando Bloom pine for some stuck-up princess turned stuck-up pirate hussy. This film also falls ill from unfocused film making by substituting story with plot holes and plot twists. If you confuse the audience, they won't know what hit them. Maybe it was Jack Sparrow. He seems abusive.

The Back to the Future is a little different. I find the second film to be the best with plots in the future, past, and a freaking alternate present. Where the second one screws up though is taking all the good ideas and creating an ending that brings us to the third one. You know, the one where they are cowboys. No?


9. Is a Rapper In It?

I would have just said any musician, but there are much more rappers out there trying to act and the likes of David Bowie and Meatloaf made much better career choices than say, Snoop Dogg or Ice Cube.


8. Was it a Wide-release in January or September?

The Fall season is full of family fun and award contenders while the Summer is a clusterfuck of big budget action and adult comedies. So when everybody is recovering from such a hectic movie season the studios dump the titles they know would have failed in a competitive environment. The reason why I specify wide-release is because a lot of limited releases and festival favorites hang out until they are picked up by a distributor to whore them out during award season.


7. Did Jerry Bruckheimer Produce It?

The man that ushered the age of Michael Bay (also on our list). Bruckheimer produced such classics as Bad Boys, Armageddon, Coyote Ugly, Pearl Harbor, Kangaroo Jack, and National Treasure. What a resume! Tons of action? Following your heart? Big budget? All in one movie! Too bad none of his films have any soul.


6. Did Michael Bay Have Any Hand in It?

Anything Michael Bay touches turns into that liquid your garbage creates when it sits in the garbage bag for too long. It's not even worth calling it straight garbage. I'm not saying action movies with relationship sub-plots make bad movies. I like three of the four Die Hard films (I can't stand the second one), but luckily Michael Bay didn't think about touching that. Everyone is heroic, in love, and lucky as hell they don't die within the crazy shit that happens. And they ask you to take it seriously... seriously. His horror film remakes suck too. More on that later.


5. Is It a Raunchy High School/Pre-College Comedy?

Raunchy college comedies, their respective originals at least, tend to be pretty funny. They get drunk, they have sex, they talk about getting drunk and having sex, and then they make the grade. Way to go, guy! Raunchy high school/pre-college comedies try to do the same thing. By saying try, I mean that they don't already do this. They jump through hoops of fire and fight off angry bears just to lose their virginity. They don't even try to pass their upcoming test. What's the point of high school if you're not boning?


4. Is it a Horror/Science Fiction Remake?

Horror and Sci-fi fans are some of the most loyal people you will ever meet. The originals they watch affect their lives in ways a comedy or action fan can't comprehend. These are people that run marathons en masse and debate with other loyalists on which series is the best. The greatest and most popular arguments come from these fans. Friday the 13th VS Halloween. Star Wars VS Star Trek.

When you start remaking these films, you're going to start pissing off a lot of people off. I'm looking at you Michael Bay.


3. Is it Distributed Under the National Lampoon/American Pie Brand Within the New Millennium?

I can't stress this enough. Whoever you are, stop buying these DVDs. I'm serious, I'll come to your house and slap you across your face.

Or I'll get Ryan Reynolds to do it.


2. Is Nicolas Cage in It?

There was once a time when Nicolas Cage was a respected actor. He was in moderately successful romantic comedies and won an Academy Award in a serious drama. Things were looking good for this young Coppola. Then he sold his soul to Jerry Bruckheimer to become the most unlikely action star in the history of cinema. For every few action films and suspense thrillers he would throw in a serious drama that would reassure audiences that the guy still had some talent left in him.

He even stuck with some decent films for a few years, with the exception of National Treasure, which everyone just thought was part of the actor guild's policy on starring in at least one crappy Disney movie. Then he sold his soul again, after Jerry Bruckheimer returned it to him for agreeing do a second National Treasure. The film in question? Ghost Rider. While making the atrocity, other Cage films were released that signaled he wanted to become what Pacino is now but 20 years earlier. Every since then, he has not made a good film. If anything, as many websites have already pointed out, he's just making the same movie over and over.


1. Did Someone Claim It Was the Best Movie They've Seen in a Long Time?

I've been guilty of doing this. I go see a film, get lost in the moment and find it utterly incredible, and then tell everyone to go see it. When they come back from the theater they hate it, much to my dismay. It's not that one of the parties has horrible taste. In fact, it's a lot more complicated than that. When you see a movie and you find things you like, you become enamored with it. Once you tell someone how good it was, they go to watch it and unintentionally start searching for what caused such pandemonium in the first place and never find it.

This also happens when you put a bunch of eye candy in a film. If someone likes explosions they're going to love Michael Bay. If someone likes nudity they're going to love National Lampoon films. If someone likes watching something familiar to them, then by God will they love the next slew of Nicolas Cage flicks.

Another complicated situation are debatable award winners/nominees. I don't mean the winners that are universally accepted but the ones where you find out they were nominated or won an award and you think, "Really? The trailer looked questionable. I should check it out though." Then your parents see it and say that you should definitely check it out. "Oh, I was thinking about it. I might go this weekend." So you go because you decided to trust your parents for once... and you are disappointed.
"It's the least most of us can do, but less of us will do more."
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